The first lie: you have to earn love
Imagine going to collect your paycheck and saying:
“Honestly, I didn’t work enough this month to deserve it, so just pay me less.”
Has that ever happened to you?
Of course not.
So why do you insist on starting relationships with the idea that if the other person has something to give you, then you automatically owe them back?
Yes, I know. You’re probably horrified by that phrase.
Your feminism, or at least your idea of independence, might be trembling right now at the thought that in order to receive,
you don’t necessarily have to give anything back.
Because letting someone in, without digging deep in your emotional pockets to “repay” what you receive, puts you so on edge…
that you often prefer to fall for the wrong person.
The one who doesn’t give.
The one who doesn’t expect.
The one who doesn’t connect.
Because then, you don’t owe them anything.
What we perform from debt never brings anything good.
On the contrary, it reproduces the same cycle over and over again:
It connects you with emotionally unavailable partners.
It traps you in relationships where everything is measured and rationed.
It reduces love to transactions and calculations.
And the deeper truth is this: your unresolved emotional debts aren’t just “ruining” your relationships…
they’re creating them.
It’s not really you in the relationship.
It’s all that unresolved baggage, speaking on your behalf.
And don’t get me wrong: this doesn’t mean you need to have your entire life sorted out before you can love.
That’s another lie we bought—that “healthy” relationships only happen once we are completely healed.
No.
What matters is being aware of where your gaps are.
So when someone triggers them, instead of falling into the black hole of non-nourishing emotions, you can say:
“Look, if you touch this, we might both get lost in a void. Maybe we can redirect this toward a more expansive space where I don’t have to feel so exposed.”
The success of a relationship has little to do with keeping track of who gives what.
It has everything to do with breaking the belief that receiving equals debt.
Because there is a vast difference between reciprocity and transaction.
And love the real, nourishing kind, is never about halves.
It’s about presence, not about accounting.
It’s about freedom, not about control.
Ready to go deeper?
If you’re tired of repeating the same patterns and want to reconnect with your desire, joy, and inner clarity, I offer 1:1 integrative sessions where we work together on exactly that. Send me a message to book your first conversation.
