Is possible to build healthy relationships from our wounds?
Demanding that we heal before entering relationships leaves us in profound loneliness. In the mainstream world of therapy, there is a circulating belief that we need to have all our issues resolved before we can connect with someone.
The problem is that this ideal destination of salvation rarely arrives. We become addicted to the search for that destination, buying every kind of healing experience in pursuit of the golden fleece, only to realize — perhaps many years later — that the process never actually ends.
If we are lucky enough not to drown in the frustration that this moment of realization can bring, we begin to make peace with the idea that imperfection is the very essence of existence. But how are we supposed to build relationships if we never fully finish healing?
I believe we need to demystify the idea that the spiritual and material existence of the human being should be flawless. It is intrinsically fallible. We will make mistakes from now until we move on to another plane. That phrase we repeat so easily, “making mistakes is human,” should be reread every time some bargain guru tries to sell us healing as the ultimate destiny of humanity.
Relationships are built precisely on growth through learning. As adults, we tend to believe that learning is something that happens only in early life. Later, shaped by the system we live in, we begin to believe that every process of transformation or growth not only has to happen quickly, but that we should feel ashamed if we lack knowledge in areas society expects us to master.
And when that area is the emotional world, we seem to split into two large groups. On one side, the enlightened ones who appear to know how to navigate every single difficulty life throws at them — I have to admit that at times I fall into this category — and on the other side, those who hide behind ignorance to avoid changing even the smallest part of their behavioral logic.
Both connect from the same place: a sense of control over reality that offers mental peace and seems to protect us from the same thing. Pain.
Approaching relationships while trying to maintain control over our emotions only guarantees that we will live a half-experience. And the transformation relationships are meant to bring, instead of unfolding, throws us back into the repetition of a familiar pattern. Only to then ask ourselves, Why does this always happen to me?
Once we identify this pattern, we swing to the other extreme, believing that until we eliminate it completely, we should not be in a relationship at all.
As I often say, truth lives in the gray areas of our beliefs. It is never black or white, but a little of this and a little of that.
The protective armor we build behind the statement “until I heal, I cannot build a relationship” reproduces the idea of emotional meritocracy — as if everything must be aesthetically perfect for someone to love us.
Perhaps it is time to realize that relationships, love, and the construction of intimacy, far from coming to harm us, may be among the most powerful forces capable of forming a scar where there once was a wound.
Ready to go deeper?
If you’re tired of repeating the same patterns and want to reconnect with your desire, joy, and inner clarity, I offer 1:1 integrative sessions where we work together on exactly that. Send me a message to book your first conversation.
